- I am a good person that has never purposefully run over a squirrel with my car.

- I am confident in my ability to handle any situation in which I am required to display my basic knowledge of the American government.

- I’m pretty sure I’ve never broken 50% of the Ten Commandments.

- Sing Celine Dion’s “Because You Loved Me” to yourself. Try and maintain eye contact with yourself as you are singing, but closing your eyes to better feel the song is acceptable as well.

An article merely reporting the addition of two new elements to the periodic table turned into a forum for angry neeeeeeeeeerds!

Here is an excerpt from the article in Boise Weekly written by George Prentice:

In June, we told you how two new elements were about to be added to the already-difficult-to-understand periodic table. Following a three-year review process, an international committee of chemists and physicists introduced the elements, only known as numbers 114 and 116. But before high-school science teachers change their curriculum, the elements need a new name.

Here is the offending portion of the article:

already-difficult-to-understand periodic table

Take it away, tardvark:

Yes, it is so difficult to understand – and now they want to ADD MORE to it??

LMFAO! George Prentice, you are a fucking moron. You probably don’t even know what purpose periodic table serves.

Captainmo69 agrees:

I am going to agree with tardvark, George Prentice, you sir are a fucking moron. Hard to read, are you fucking serious??? When was the last time you looked at it. You should try sometime. I take that back, don’t just look at it, study it. Study the organization of the chart. It is simplistic. Have a question about an element or the family its in, goto the little box and read. I can’t believe you are paid to write articles. MORON. 
DCW what school did you go to, Iwant to make sure not to send my kids there. Useless information??? Another moron.

Michael Young is just sad:

There are less elements and groupings of them on the periodic table than the number contained in most high schoolers contact lists on their phones or Facebook. What’s so hard to understand. I used to weep for the future; now I just weep for the present.

They might be seriously angry, but I just think that they are f-ing hilarious. These are obviously comedy writers with some free time, just making the world a lil brighter. Of course, I could just be a f-ing moron.

Sometimes we think our bouffant or perm looks good, but then one day we look up and the Cold War is over and so is our love for our husband. This is when it would be a good time to get a haircut.

Someone in Canada (where else?) abandoned this cat weighing over 30 lbs instead of helping it lose weight and raise its self-esteem. Luckily this story has a happy ending. It has been rescued and now is on a diet and taking part in an exercise regiment that includes chasing lasers. Although the Frederichton SPCA did rescue the cat, they also named it Tiny. Words hurt and there’s no need to mock the already extremely fat cat.

Help me because I can't help myself.

1. Only Time- Enya

Sample lyric- “And who can say where the road goes/ Where the day flows” (to poop)

2. Hello- Lionel Ritchie

Sample lyric -”and you know just what to do” (poop)

3. A New Day Has Come- Celine Dion

Sample lyric- “I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don’t shed a tear” (this whole song could be about pooping…it’s not, but it could be)

Movie #1

Charlize Theron and Michelle Pfieffer play long lost mother-daughter actors Madison Ivory West and Veronica del Sol who meet after years of separation. Veronica at 17 years old had to give up Madison for her career. Now they are both cynical actors with shockingly expensive cocaine habits vying for the same role, and reconnecting with each other despite their anger at one another. Madison is angry her mother gave her up, and Veronica is upset Madison is trying to steal her role of a lifetime with famed Golden Globe winning director Rick Giordano. It’s a musical comedy. The movie ends with them spontaneously singing the chorus of “It’s Not Right but It’s OK” by Whitney Houston together on stage at the Golden Globes.

Pitch: All About Eve meets Grease 2!

Title: Mother’s Night!

Tagline: Mamma Mia, more like mommy diva!

Veronica del Sol will totally cut a bitch

Madison Ivory West will love you, then cut you

Movie #2

Morgan Freeman plays Gordon Green, a veterinarian in Florida. In a direct rebuke to the “magical negro” trope, he’s a real asshole. He refuses to be anyone’s mentor or dispense any wisdom. His personal philosophy is “who gives a shit when we’re all going to be worm food anyway”, and “get your pussy while you can”. He becomes involved in a murder mystery after he refuses a neighbor’s friendship. In a twist ending, his saying “get your pussy while you can” solves the crime because the neighbor’s cat killed him. The cat, Mr. Al Pawcino, was tired of the food he was served, and pushed the neighbor into the pool while he was drunk and he drowned. Mr. Al Pawcino is put into the cat jail, Alcatraz. Gordan Green returns to his womanizing ways with absolutely no regret for any of his actions.

Pitch: Se7en meets Garfield

Title: The Cat’s Out of the Bag

Tagline: The purrfect crime committed by the purrfect criminal

I hate you all

Here are some reading suggestions as you are throwing the troublemakers out of the club.

1. Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader series : Lot’s of fun trivia to read helpfully divided into short, medium, and long sections.

2. Book of impressionist paintings: Relaxing and soothing

Relaxed already, aren't you?

3. Agatha Christie novels: Old-fashioned mystery novels that are interesting but will never absorb you so much that you just stay in the bathroom for an inappropriately long time

Here’s a list of books to stay away from as you are dislodging your inner rubbish. 

1. 1984: It’s just too bleak

2. Book of surrealist paintings: You can’t relax, you’ll just be too freaked out

I bet you're tense already

3. Cookbooks: This is not the time to think about food, it will just make you start associating food with the bathroom which is not a fun association like chocolate and mint

Today, we are just straight up pandering to our audience. Well, maybe not pandering so much as cat-ering.

It's a Bob-cat

Hooked on furrnics? Siam-cheese cat?

Supurrmodel

Someone doesn't want to become the next Dirk Meowitski or Paw Pierce